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   SPORTS
   We got some exciting news for ya today, folks...

   That the world of sports can be harsh we've known for some time, but sometimes even the most fanatical sports fan might agree that things get out of hand...

  

  TOTTENHAM KICKED GRAHAM

  The English soccer club Tottenham Hotspurs kicked George Graham today. First they threw him out of the clubhouse. Then they kept kicking him until he was nothing but a bloody spot on the sidewalk.

  

  

   ASCETIC CRUSHED FRENCHMAN

  The Swedish tennis player Olav Ascetic used his tennis racket in new and inventive ways while crushing the Frenchman Pierre Dubious in two short minutes on the French Open center court yesterday afternoon. The chauvinistic French audience, in their desire to see blood, called for Mr. Ascetic's thin genital covering (his lone clothing), but didn't even get that.

  

  

   UNITED GRILLED City

  United made toast of City in the first half of a heated soccer game last night. In the second half their game improved even further, as they proceeded to have a barbecue party.

  


And now SPORTS!

  

  

  THE EXTENDED SPORTS-CONCEPT

  The reporter is dressed in black, with a white collar around his neck. He's holding a book in his hand and stands before an abyss of a hole in the ground.
   - It's happening, people, he says excitedly. - Six men are coming out of the nice little building over there. Their speed is modest, their steps are well adapted to the slippery wet terrain and they're carrying the casket in a calm and dignified manner. Let's give them a warm applause in their heartfelt approach, people.
   A few in the audience are clapping their hands. Most people don't move, though, and have a visibly bored expression in their eyes. The reporter recognizes the fact that it's still early in the game.
   It's a rainy day. Very rainy. The hole in the ground is already half filled with water. The show must go on, though. We all know this.
   The men carrying the casket are approaching the hole in the ground and the assembled audience and the game heats up.
   - Less then a minute left of this exciting venue, our esteemed reporter is reporting. - The six men are visibly straining in their effort to complete their task. Even among the audience the strain is felt and sweat is flowing from already wet eyes. With the last vestige of their remaining strength the six men are dumping the casket down in the whole. The cover is slightly ajar and the casket is floating, but who the fuck cares about such tiny details. The seventh man is throwing dirt on it for his bare life, and the finishing line is broken... there. Yes, that's it, people, yes, embrace each other and have a GREAT time. This was fun, wasn't it, people? God see mercy in this poor sucker of a soul, A - MEN
   And this concludes today's report from this new, exciting arena.

  

  

  

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